A Means to an End

Everything I’ve written I’ve meant. I’ll stand behind it all.

No, I am not quitting. In my earliest test blogs I wrote that I am not, and it is true, a quitter. I am however, a starter and a stopper and a restarter. Perhaps as I persevere in any commitment to myself I am a ‘very pregnant pauser’?

No matter what I call myself or what you’re thinking of calling me, a month off from the blog and I still managed more than a half-dozen acts of anonymous service.

For example:

1) TWO front row, ROCK STAR parking spots at Whole Foods – I drove to the back of the lot until I found another free spot, leaving them for some other lucky grocery shopper with enough expendable income to shop there (credit: this was one of my husband’s cool ideas).

2) Paid for an unsuspecting table of our country’s armed service people. Party of four. Did it and slipped out without their knowing. That one felt like a major COUP!

3) Snow is melting, spring, gusty winds are blowing, soggy melted garbage peppers even my affluent community. Walking the dog, I took out my extra poop bag and began picking up as much obvious refuse as I could. This included a painfully obvious, unusually small zip lock baggie with Superman emblems on one side.

Any experienced drug user will know that there was no kryptonite decoder ring in that baggie.

Again, garbage, even in my affluent community. Sigh. Made me really sad.

4) On several occasions paid for the McDonald’s patrons behind me in the drive through line.

Nope a quitter I ain’t.

Honestly though? I have been self-centeredly (the bane of my OTHER CENTERed self!) despondent about

a) receiving mostly spambot-like comments

I mean, where’s Oprah? Ariana Huffington? DVF? Yes. Here it is…vainglory…grandiosity…EGO, EGO, EGO.

A girl can dream right? Sure.

As long as the lack of interest doesn’t become some kind of wieldy apparition that grinds my ideals, my goals, my ambition into the ground.

b) that I just do not have the bandwidth to flesh out this site to its fullest. Reframe. I have priorities. This blog is not at the top of the heap. In fact it was put in play to provide an avenue for me to act for others thereby creating more emotional, psychological and spiritual stability FOR ME, AND as a way, since I have made myself accountable to the anonymous few that may trip across the light fantastic and find themselves poking around, to have reason to practice and hone my craft…writing. Not sure how the honing is going but it has provided me a ton of practice.

Losing sight of the reasons for my site, I became frustrated that while I AM the MASTER AT CRAFTING TIME! (see earlier post), there really is ONLY so much to work with. I squander an occasional couple hours a night numbing out, climbing into a solitary den of reality t.v., spent from how PRESENT and KIND I’ve had to be all day with the husband and children.

Other than that I live a richly full, blessed and productive life. And I still don’t have the time and/or the energy to work consistently on my Christmas book, practice my French, complete the photo projects, so clear and hanging over my head like a Harry Potter movie. I still get grossly behind on pedicures, gray coverage and correspondence (HA! CORRESPONDENCE??? I suck at even the techy kind like Facebook!). And baking? From scratch? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE on Pinterest and Etsy?!?!?!

So it figures this blog feels and seems half-assed to me at times. Because in addition to the above…

c) there’s things I need to tweak about this blog. There’s things I want to LEARN. Because I don’t want to pay a greedy programmer $200.00 an hour to show me how the public can peruse my older posts because the option is not currently displayed.

Anyway…once I humbly surrendered, AGAIN, to the REAL reasons for this blog, I declared to post. Something. Anything.

Anything worth doing is worth doing badly. I think I posted about that too. Somewhere back there. It’s still a favorite. It keeps me from giving up, it frees me from being stuck or paralyzed by perfectionism or fear of caring too much about what everyone else will think. In my case the latter is not such a concern at this time as everyone is obviously not reading my blog.

And you know? That’s probably EXACTLY the way I need it to be. Because if THIS blog was a higher priority than my book projects or my kids, then I would build and grow and THEY WOULD COME. I’m not being arrogant or pompous, it’s just I kind of feel it.

But as it is, I put my intentions forth as to why I developed this blog and why I maintain it.

Perhaps the universe is just obeying me.

F*ck YEAH, THE UNIVERSE IS OBEYING ME!!!

Now. To obey the TRUTH, the ME within.

Practice goodwill for others. Blog here to practice writing. Give birth to awesome book. And the next. And the next.

All the while laughing and making love with my husband and participating in profoundly centering memories with my children.

Boo-yah.

Isn’t that an armed services cry? Army? Navy? Marines? Well we MOTHER’S ought to have our own war cry of triumph.

VIVA DURA MATERS!!!

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